I always clam up whenever I talk to doctors. I go in completely prepared to bare my soul, but as soon as I sit down and start talking I begin to think “Oh my god, they’re judging me, shut up.” and then I leave out the majority of my thoughts that have been bothering me. All they really get out of me is “Yeah, sometimes I think about dying. Oh, cutting? Yeah, I mean, I’d rather not cut but I don’t think it’s a huge problem, I’m just sad.”
Which is not even coming close to what’s going on in my head. I wish I could just point them to my blog. Even though I leave a lot of stuff out of my blog posts, they reveal more than I can ever manage to reveal verbally.
Anyway, wish me luck? For just one day it would be nice to have the strength to really open up about how I’ve lost control over my actions and emotions, and how I’ve gone from thinking about dying to actively planning out when/how I’d do it.